


Cards Against Reborn!

by FamineArcher



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Cards Against Humanity, reborn has a sick sense of humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:00:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28335021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FamineArcher/pseuds/FamineArcher
Summary: The newly un-cursed Arcobaleno play Cards Against Humanity.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 120





	1. Round 1

Colonello held up a box labelled “Cards Against Humanity” to his fellow Arcobaleno (minus Yuni and plus Lal). “Since we’re stuck in here until we’re fully grown, why not give this a try?”

Assorted groans of boredom. “It’s hilarious.” He wheedled.

“Will you shut up if we do?!” Reborn demanded.

“Totally.”

“Fine, can’t be that much fun.” He grumbled.

The others, all at age 15 at the moment, agreed.

Colonello, beaming, doled out the cards. “I’ll be Card Czar first, then we go in alphabetical order, how’s that sound?”

Only giggles and horror greeted his statement. “This is a horribly offensive game, isn’t it.” Viper didn’t even ask, but stated it as a fact.

“Oh yeah.” The soldier picked up the first black card. “I’m going on a cleanse this week. Nothing but kale juice and blank.”

“Ugh. My cards suck.” Skull complained.

“Suck up and pick already.” Reborn demanded.

He did.

Colonello picked up the cards. “Alright! Going on a cleanse this week. Nothing but Kale juice and dying? What?”

Verde snorted. “Kale juice won’t kill you.”

“Nothing but Kale juice and A bag of magic beans.”

“I told you my cards sucked.” Skull pouted.

“It’s funny though.” Colonello snickered. The others joined him.

When they’d composed themselves, the game resumed. “Nothing but kale juice and a horde of Vikings. Not a good fit.”

Reborn shrugged. “Imagine the kind of person going on a cleanse to come face-to-face with horde of Vikings.”

“Kinda funny, yeah.” Lal smirked.

“Nothing but kale juice and Geese. I hate geese. They’re terrifying.”

Verde shivered. “Teeth on their tongues…” He trailed off.

Viper made a Mist image of a goose fly overhead for a moment. Verde jumped three feet and swore profusely. Everyone else howled with laughter.

“Anyway, nothing but Kale juice and hot people. Sounds like my kinda cleanse!” Colonello hooted.

“You mean your unachievable dream.” Lal sniped.

Fon stifled a chuckle as the soldier pouted at his superior officer.

“And last but not least, Nothing but Kale juice and assless chaps.” He finished. “Kinda a dull round, but hopefully it’ll get better. Winner is geese for Verde’s reaction.”

Lal claimed her card.

Fon picked up the next black card. “A romantic candlelit dinner would be incomplete without blank.”

Quickly, a pile of cards had formed in front of the martial artist. He picked them up and looked through them. “A romantic candlelit dinner would be incomplete without drowning the kids in the bathtub.”

Everyone shared an awkward look, except Reborn, who was snickering.

“Reborn, you’re messed up.” Skull said slowly. “That’s not funny.”

“Yes it is!” He kept sniggering.

“A romantic candlelit dinner would be incomplete without goblins.” Fon continued calmly. “I’d rather not have uninvited guests, personally.”

“If it’s incomplete without them, they’re invited.” Verde pointed out.

“Fair point. A romantic candlelit dinner would be incomplete without spectacular abs.”

“Yours or theirs?” Viper asked.

“Fon’s.” Skull said immediately. “He has nice abs.”

Fon looked at Skull. “I’m not sure if I should be complimented or creeped out.”

“It’s a compliment.”

“Alright. A romantic candlelit dinner would be incomplete without drinking out of the toilet and eating garbage?”

Laughter broke out around the room. “That’s-ha-a strange sense of romance, Fon!” Lal managed.

Fon grumbled. “Shut up.”

It took some time for the laughter to die down, but it eventually did.

“A romantic candlelit dinner would be incomplete without chunks of dead hitchhiker.”

Skull gagged. “Ew.”

“Pansy.” Reborn snorted.

“And finally, a romantic candlelit dinner would be incomplete without…” Fon broke his composure to crack a grin. “Crumbs all over the god damn carpet. I think this one wins.”

His last sentence was drowned out by howls of laughter. Skull had taken his helmet off so he could breathe while he laughed, Lal was bent over cackling, and the others weren’t much better.

Fon began to snicker as well, the laughter so contagious.

Verde took the black card smugly, still grinning.

As the laughter slowed, Lal picked the next black card. “Why do I hurt all over? Oh boy.”

Skull grinned at his cards. “I got this in the bag.”

Lal took all the cards and began to read. “Why do I hurt all over? This month’s mass shooting.”

“I guess you survived.” Reborn said innocently.

“The next reason I hurt all over is-what? Sex with animals? Why would that-?”

“Don’t ask questions if you don’t want to know the answer.” Skull replied.

“The next one is huffing spray paint.” Lal continued. “Not the most riveting answer. And after that is-oh come on!”

“Read it.” Viper said smugly.

“...three dicks at the same time.”

The room exploded with laughter. Lal was blushing bright red angrily. “Whoever played that is not winning this round.” She declared.

Viper took a breath to calm down. “Worth it.” They gasped.

Lal took the next card and winced. “And the next reason I hurt all over is a snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis.” Everyone else flinched.

“The last reason I hurt all over is explosions. This card wins.”

Reborn raised his hand and she tossed the card at him. “Your turn, Reborn.”

The hitman drew the next card. “White people like blank.” He read.

Viper grinned widely, their mouth stretching past what was humanly possible.

Fon took out a water gun and squirted them. “No.”

They pouted as Reborn gathered the white cards. “White people like a white ethnostate.” He stopped to laugh with the others. 

“Seems accurate.” Colonello managed.

“White people like Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II. That only goes for Brits.” He pointed out.

“Brits are white.”

“Not buying it, Verde. Not good enough. White people like Fox News.” He paused to allow the giggles to die down. “I guess they do. White people like Heteronormativity.” 

At that, everyone went silent. No one wanted to be the first to laugh at that, since they were all white bar Fon.

“OK!” Reborn chirped. “White people like Barack Obama. Now that is true.”

“Only for Americans. Why is that better than the Queen one?”

“There are way more Americans than Brits.” Skull pointed out. “So yeah.”

Reborn picked up the last card. “White people like Nazis.” He started snort-giggling. Everyone else just sat there awkwardly. “I think the winner’s the white ethnostate, though.”

Lal took the card.

Skull drew the next black card. “Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s blank.” He read.

He soon had a pile of cards in front of him. “Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s fake tits.” 

Laughter from every corner of the room. “That’s-ha-the best-ha-one yet!” Lal managed to say.

Skull waited until the others had gotten themselves under control, then continued. “Maybe it’s an Oedipus complex.”

Fon raised his hand. “A what?”

“When a dude wants to fuck his mom and kill his dad.” Reborn explained.

“Oh.”

“Maybe it’s a bitch slap.” 

Giggles erupted around the room.

“Maybe it’s a brain tumor.” The giggles ended, except for Reborn, who laughed louder.

Fon dope slapped Reborn up the head. 

“You’re messed up.” Verde commented.

“I embrace it.” The hitman said loftily.

Skull stared at the next card. “Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s **giving birth to the Antichrist**.” He said the last part in a dramatic, over-the-top voice. The voice got everyone laughing again.

The laughter slowed and Skull continued. “Maybe it’s being a dick to children.”

Reborn laughed alone.

“I think giving birth to the Antichrist or fake tits won. And if I had to choose...who had fake tits?”

“Me.” Viper claimed the point.

Verde picked up the next card. “50% of all marriages end in blank.”

Skull groaned. “Still no good cards!”

“Less competition for me.” Lal said confidently.

“Alright here we go. 50% of marriages end in women’s suffrage. Not quite.”

“Close, though.” Viper commented.

“50% of marriages end in the screams...the terrible screams. What?”

“My cards suck.” Skull reiterated.

“50% of marriages end in poor life choices.” A rash of giggles broke out.

“Marriage is a poor life choice.” Lal muttered. Colonello looked downcast.

“50% of marriages end in Seething with quiet resentment.”

“That’s a recipe for a divorce if I ever heard one.” Skull said. Everyone agreed, laughing.

“50% of marriages end in Invading Poland.”

“Boring.” Viper called.

“We need better cards.” Skull added.

“And finally, 50% of all marriages end in chainsaws for hands. This is the winner! This is awesome!” Verde started thinking.

“I can see what you’re thinking and I’d just like to point out that none of us are married and none of us want chainsaws for hands.” Fon said calmly.

“Who played Chainsaw hands?”

Reborn took the card.

Viper drew the last black card of the round. “What’s my secret power?”

They picked up the cards and shuffled them. “My secret power is Morgan Freeman’s voice. That would be awesome.”

“Yeah, it would.” Skull agreed.

“My secret power is Genuine human connection? Sounds kinky.”

Laughter erupted from the others at their comment.

“My next secret power is Arnold Schwarzenegger. So does that mean I’m Arnold or what?”

“You are most assuredly not-” Lal stopped because Viper used Mist Flames to make themself look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. “Fine. You win.”

“My next secret power is being a motherfucking sorcerer! Hell yeah!” They burst out. “That would be awesome as fuck!”

“You basically are already.” Fon pointed out.

“Flames are not magic.” Verde countered.

‘Hence the basically.”

Viper broke up the argument by continuing to read. “My next secret power is giving 110%. Lame.”

“I still have no good cards!” Skull protested.

“And my last secret power is...farting and walking away. How rude.” Viper said over the laughing of the others.

“I think I liked being a motherfucking sorcerer the best.”

Reborn claimed his card, and round 1 was over.

Score:

Colonello: 0

Fon: 0

Lal Mirch: 2

Reborn: 3

Skull: 0

Verde: 1

Viper:1


	2. Chapter 2

Colonello grinned. “So, we gonna keep playing?” He shuffled the used white cards back into the deck.

“Oh, definitely.” Lal grinned.

Viper made another illusionary goose fly above Verde, who shrieked like a baby. “With this much fun already, hell yeah.”

“Alrighty, the next black card is;” He paused dramatically. “Coming to Broadway this season, Blank: the Musical.”

Soon, he had a pile of white cards in front of him. He turned the first one over. “Coming to Broadway this season, RoboCop: The musical. That would be interesting.”

“And awesome.” Lal added.

“And awesome, yes.”

Verde smirked. “I loved that movie. The cybernetics were really interesting.”

“Only you, Verde.” Fon sighed fondly.

“The next one is The Three-Fifths Compromise: the Musical. So a historical piece?”

Fon looked around. “The what?”

“Some American thing.” Reborn shrugged.

Skull made a face. “In the 1800s, they counted people to determine the electoral college’s votes, and there was a large slave population in the South. The North and South argued over whether slaves should be counted in the census, and the agreement reached was that a slave counted for Three-Fifths of a white man for the purpose of the census.”

Fon grimaced. “Another racist decision by old white men, then.”

“How do you know that, Skull?” Lal asked.

“I’m American, you really didn’t know?” He pointed out. “I have the accent and everything.”

“I guess we figured the accent was as fake as your hair.”

“It is. Both are natural.”

Colonello interrupted with the next card. “Police brutality: the Musical.”

“Isn’t that just an overhyped media thing?”

Skull shook his head. “In America, it’s real and dangerous. I’m lucky, I’m white, so I avoided it.”

“Oh.” Verde was silent for a moment. “That’s messed up.”

Colonello looked at Reborn, who was giggling. “So’s he.”

“True.”

“Anyway,  _ The Bachelorette _ season finale: the Musical. So, like, acting out the actual episode or something? Seems plausible.”

“Probably entertaining too.” Viper added.

“True, true. Inappropriate Yodeling: The Musical.”

“Some kind of Swiss show? A mountain climber or sheep herder?”

“Dunno. Fun to imagine on stage, though. And the last musical coming to Broadway this season is Darth Vader: the Musical.” Colonello thought for a moment. “I think the Three-Fifths Compromise won for Skull’s little lesson.”

Skull fistpumped. “Yes!” He claimed his card.

Fon raised an eyebrow at the next card. “T.S. Eliot. The Hollow Men.” He commented. “This is the way the world ends, This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with blank.”

Skull sat straighter. “I know that poem. We are the hollow men/We are the stuffed men/Leaning together/Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!/Our dried voices, when/We whisper together/Are quiet and meaningless/As wind in dry grass/Or rats' feet over broken glass/In our dry cellar/Shape without form, shade without colour,/Paralysed force, gesture without motion;/Those who have crossed/With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom/Remember us—if at all—not as lost/Violent souls, but only/As the hollow men/The stuffed men.”

Everyone stared at him. “That's stanza 1.” He offered. “I had to do a report on it once in high school, and it kinda sticks with ya. It’s about the hopelessness of war.”

“Skull, how did you remember that much of it?”

“I had to recite it in front of my class.” He shrugged. “It was graded.”

“Okay then.” Viper said slowly. “Fon, read the cards.”

“This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with fading away into nothingness.” He began. “Similar to the original text, actually.”

“Not with a bang but with a whimper.” Skull said when everyone looked at him.

“That is similar. Huh.” Viper mused. “Nice.”

“Not with a bang but with men discussing their feelings in an emotionally healthy way. Rude.”

“True though. The way things are, most would rather the world end.” Lal pointed out.

“It’s true, but you shouldn’t say it.” Colonello fake pouted.

“Not with a bang but with Radical Islamic Terrorism.” Fon continued calmly. “I feel like that’s offensive somehow.”

“Not to anyone in here it ain’t.” Reborn chuckled.

“Not with a bang but with spontaneous human combustion. That’s more like it.” The monk allowed the giggles that consumed the room to infect him, too. When he composed himself, he read the next card. “Not with a bang but with hurting those closest to me. That’s just depressing.”

“Yeah…” The others admitted, except Reborn, who was still giggling.

“And lastly, this is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with Oompa-Loompas.” Fon’s composure broke and he started howling with laughter, adding to the cacophony of laughs that filled the room.

“Oompa-ha-Loompas wins.” He gasped out. Colonello took the card.

Lal wiped tears from her eyes and drew the next black card. “Shit.” She thought for a moment. “You are reading your own cards for this one, as Card Czar I can do that.”

“That bad, Lal?”

“The black card is How did I lose my virginity?”

“That bad.” Colonello groaned. “We’re answering this ourselves? Damn.”

Lal smirked. “I’m  _ not  _ being made into a pervert by this game.”

The others examined their hands and put their cards down.

Lal mimed holding out a microphone. “So, Colonello, how did you lose your virginity?”

The soldier blushed as everyone else laughed. “...Sexual peeing.” He muttered.

“Omorashi is a common fetish, actually.” Reborn pointed out.

“Hear that, Colonello, you’re not alone!” Verde laughed.

“Alright, settle down. Fon, how did you lose your virginity?” Lal held out the invisible microphone.

“I lost my virginity because of emotions.” He replied. “Just like everyone else does.”

Lal nodded as Reborn and the others chuckled quietly. “Thank you, Fon. Now we go to Reborn. Reborn, how did you lose your virginity?”

“I lost my virginity by casually suggesting a threesome.” He said proudly. 

“Damn, impressive.” Viper admitted. “Most start with one person.”

Lal snorted. “Yeah. On to Skull. Skull, how did you lose your virginity?”

Skull blushed. “I lost my virginity...because…” He didn’t keep going.

“Just say it, Skull. It’s just a game.”

“Because of the homosexual agenda, okay!?” He burst out. “I’m GAY!”

There was a stunned silence. Nobody had expected that. “I’m gay.” He repeated, calmer that time.

“Alright…” Verde said slowly.

Reborn stared. “That explains the Fon’s abs comment.”

Fon reached over to put a hand on Skull’s shoulder. “For the record, I’m Bisexual.”

Viper opened their mouth. “I support you.”

“Thanks. Lal, next card.”

Lal composed herself. “Next, we have Verde. Verde, how did you lose your virginity?”

Verde grimaced. “Fucking my sister.” He said simply.

“Naughty naughty.” Reborn laughed.

Verde flushed. “It was the only card that fit!” He protested.

“This has been a rather enlightening game. First Verde’s goose thing, then Reborn’s sense of humor, then Skull’s sexuality, and now we find out that Verde’s doing his sister.” Colonello snickered.

“I don’t HAVE a sister!” Verde informed them. “I’m an only child!”

“So you’ve got a sister fetish?” Skull asked.

“Wha-NO! I’m not-what-ugh!” He stammered.

“We’re messing with you, dude.” Viper pointed out.

“Anywho, Viper! How’d you lose your virginity?”

“I lost my virginity through wizard music.” Viper proclaimed.

“How would that work?” Fon asked.

“Use the music to seduce someone, if I had to guess.” Reborn mused.

Lal looked around the room. “I think the winner is Reborn’s threesome.” She tossed him the black card.

He took it and drew the next one. “Dude,  _ do not _ go in that bathroom. There’s blank in there.”

“Oh boy.” Verde groaned.

Reborn took the cards. “Dude,  _ do not _ go in that bathroom. There’s an octopus giving seven handjobs and smoking a cigarette in there.”

Everyone started laughing. “What-what the hell?” Lal got out. “Why-how-hahaha!”

Reborn took a deep breath. “There’s menstrual rage in there.”

Lal stopped laughing and started glaring. The others inched away from her. “Why is that a card?”

“People are horrible, Lal.” Viper shrugged. “Accept it.”

“Ugh.”

“There’s Republicans in there.” Reborn stuck out his tongue. “Lame.”

“It’s all I had.” Lal grumbled.

“There’s incest in there. Verde?”

“Shut up, it was the best I could do!”

“Wait, it was actually Verde? Holy shit that’s great.” Skull laughed as the others lost it completely.

Verde sat there until the laughter stopped, scowling. “Reborn, read the next card or I’m gonna set something on fire.”

“There’s GoGurt in there. Again, LAME.”

Lal cocked her head. “The fuck is a GoGurt?”

“It’s an American thing. Basically yogurt in a tube.” Skull explained. “I used to have them as a kid.”

“That is lame.”

Reborn looked at the next card and started laughing. “Dude,  _ do not _ go in that bathroom. There’s Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum in there.”

Skull laughed so hard he fell over. The others reacted similarly.

Reborn, still grinning, held up the black card. “I liked the octopus the best. Who had the handjob octopus?”

Skull raised his hand. The card hit him in the forehead.

He rubbed his head and drew the new black card. “I’m sorry, Professor, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of blank. This is gonna be great.”

The stuntman waited until he had all the white cards, then shuffled them.

“Here we go.” He put on an innocent look. “I’m sorry, Professor, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of committing suicide.” He said it in his best impression of a small child.

“That’s sad.” Lal said.

Reborn shrugged. “I think it’s funny.”

“You’re sick, Reborn.”

“I couldn’t complete my homework because of sperm whales.” Skull continued.

“What, were they in your room squishing you to death?”

“The wonders of the sperm whale are distracting enough that I couldn’t do my homework.” The purple-haired man deadpanned. “And I couldn’t complete my homework after that because of Kamikaze pilots.”

No laughter.

“I couldn’t complete my homework because of Juuling.”

“Juuling?” Colonello asked.

“E-cigarettes.”

“So you’re too busy smoking to do your homework?”

“Basically.” Skull nodded. “I couldn’t complete my homework because of a Mexican? That makes no sense and is lame.”

“And racist.” Lal commented.

“That too.”

Verde frowned. “Maybe the Mexican stole your homework.”

“Still lame.” Viper retorted.

Skull stared at the last card in confusion and disgust. “I’m sorry, Professor, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of...eating a hard boiled egg out of my husband’s asshole. Ew ew ew.”

Fon wrinkled his nose. “Revolting.”

“Sperm whales wins.”

Viper took the card from Skull.

Verde raised his eyebrows at the next black card. “Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of blank. This had better be funny. And no incest jokes!”

Lal pouted and put her card back into her hand.

Once the cards were all ready, Verde shuffled them. “Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of...oh come on! Geese. Hate them hate them hate them. Feathery assholes!”

Verde’s rant was drowned out by everyone else laughing at his pain.

He finished ranting and moved on. “Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of self-loathing. Not quite.”

“Wouldn’t that make things worse?” Fon asked.

“Indeed.” Skull nodded. “Not very curative.”

“Next up, alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of lactation. Ew.”

The others made similar disgusted sounds. 

“I bet people sell breast milk as a curative.” Colonello theorized.

“They do.” Fon and Skull said in unison, similar revolted expressions on their faces.

Verde nodded. “Alternative medicine gets really weird. Speaking of, it is embracing the power of alcoholism.”

“It does make pain go away for a little.”

“Then it comes back ten times as bad in the morning.” Lal reminded the others.

“Fair point.” Colonello gave in.

“Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative power of the Holy Bible. Religion is a source of hope and comfort for some people, so that makes sense.”

“Pfeh, religion.” Viper snorted. “It makes people stupid.”

Reborn glared. “I’m Catholic.” He said pointedly.

“You’re not stupid, I was talking about the majority.” Viper defended themself.

Verde picked up the remaining card. “Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of Adderall.”

“Ah, Adderall. One of the most misused prescription drugs I know of.” Skull said. “It’s an attention medication, but people take it to get high.”

“I liked the Holy Bible the most.” Verde said. “Who was that?”

Lal claimed the card.

Viper took the last card of the round. “War! What is it good for?”

“Oh this is gonna be good.”

The illusionist took the cards, shuffled then, and looked at the first. “War is good for seven dead and three in critical condition.”

“True.”

“War is good for sweet, sweet vengeance.” they kept going.

“Hell yeah.” Reborn cheered. “Vengeance is awesome!”

“War is good for hot cheese.” Viper gave the card a strange look. “Why does this card even exist?”

“Hell If I know, but it’s funny.” Colonello pointed out.

“That it is.” Fon said.

Viper picked up the next card. “War is good for huge Biceps.”

“If you’re in training to be a soldier, you need huge biceps.” Lal informed them. “So that’s accurate.”

“It really is.” Colonello flexed his arm. Even at 15, his biceps were huge.

Skull stared. “Dude, that’s the hottest thing you’ve ever done.”

“I’m not normally hot?”

“You’re about as hot as a golden retriever puppy.” Skull retorted. “Huge biceps aside.”

Colonello lunged for Skull, who scrambled away. “Get back here you-” Lal grabbed his collar.

“We’re trying to play a game here. Kill Skull later.”

“How about never? Kill Skull never.” Skull said pleadingly.

Viper snorted at the antics of their comrades. “War is good for ghosts.”

Sniggers around the room. “Good to make them, at least.” Fon said.

“War! What is it good for? World peace.” Viper read out, then started laughing at the irony.

When they calmed, then held up the ghosts card. “Ghosts wins. Who had ghosts?”

Lal took the card and the round ended.

Score:

Colonello: 1

Fon: 1

Lal Mirch: 3

Reborn: 4

Skull: 2

Verde: 1

Viper: 2


	3. Chapter 3

Colonello shuffled the cards back into the deck as Viper made note of their scores on a paper. “Alright! On to round 3!” He drew the first black card.

“Oh, this is gonna be good. What’s that sound? For this one, you’re making the sounds yourself.”

The others groaned.

“Alright, Fon, let’s see your card.”

Fon flipped it over. It read “Donald J. Trump.” He opened his mouth. “We’re gonna build a WALL!” He said in an American accent.

Skull snorted. “I don't know how he became the president.” He groaned.

“Pretty good. Lal, you next.”

Lal meowed. Her card read “Fancy Feast.” She meowed again.

“Okau, we get it.” Reborn muttered.

She stopped meowing. Colonello nodded, grinning. “Nice. Reborn, your turn.”

Reborn sighed. “Fine.” He proceeded to hoot and cackle like a madman. His card was “goblins.”

“Nice try. Didn’t have anything better?”

He shook his head. “This is the best I have.”

“Well, that was a weird goblin noise, but I’m liking it.” Verde said.

“Skull, what’ve you got.”

Skull grinned. “Bill Nye the Science Guy! Bill Bill Bill Bill!” He sang, pointing at his card, which read “Science.”

“Right, you’re American.” Viper remembered. “That’s hysterical.” The others were giggling.

Colonello shrugged, smirking. “I like that one. Let’s see if Verde can top it.”

“The only thing Verde’s topping is his sister.” Reborn snarked.

“SHUT UP!” Verde yelled. He calmed and flipped his card over. He made a shotgun cocking noise, then went “BANG!” His card read “dead birds everywhere.”

Everyone started laughing. “Verde-haha-Verde, I don’t think that’s what the card meant!” Viper managed to say.

“It didn’t specify.” The scientist said loftily.

Once the laughter died down, eyes turned to Viper. “It’s not going to be funny.” They warned.

“Just do it.”

“Fine.” They projected a Mist image of a gecko, which said “Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.” Their card was “Switching to Geico.”

“New rule: No using flames to help, that’s just cheating.” Reborn pointed out.

“Agreed.” The others chorused.

“Verde wins.” Colonello chose.

Fon drew the next card. “Huh. Two blanks.”

“Just put your cards face down in front of you in the order you want them read.” Colonello told everyone. “That’s in the rules as how it’s done.”

The others nodded.

“Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick du! It’s blank and blank!” Fon read.

Skull looked at his cards and snickered.

When everyone put their cards down, Fon took Colonello’s. “According to Colonello, the new superhero/sidekick duo is powerful thighs and wet dreams.”

Lal slapped Colonello up the head. “Pervert.”

“It’s the CARDS!” He protested. “They were the best I had that fit together!”

She glared. He shut up.

Fon took her cards next. “According to you, Lal, we’ve got A horde of Vikings and a bag or magic beans as superhero and sidekick.”

“That’s random.”

“None of my cards fit.” She informed them.

“Hopefully Reborn’s is better.” Verde muttered.

“Well, Reborn says our superhero/sidekick duo is composed of Poor life choices and a snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis.” Fon and the others winced. “I dislike that card.”

“We all do.” Skull grimaced.

“You, Skull, say we’ve got as superhero and sidekick a good sniff and my genitals.” Fon turned red. “I can’t believe I just said that.”

Skull started laughing. “You actually said it!”

The others joined in on the laughter. Even Fon, after a few seconds.

“Whew…” Colonello wiped away a tear of laughter. “That was a good one, Skull!”

“I aim to please.”

Fon took Verde’s cards. “Verde says our duo is made of The cool, refreshing taste of Pepsi and the arrival of the pizza. Sounds more like a party to me.” 

“They’re party heroes. Like the kind you hire for a kid’s birthday or something.” Verde explained.

“I see. Viper, your cards.”

They obligingly handed the cardboard over. “You say we get heroes Bananas and Oprah? No good cards?”

“Not this time.”

“I think Skull wins this one. It was actually humorous.”

Skull claimed his card.

Lal drew the next one. “Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about blank. Someone make this one funny.”

The others handed over their cards. “Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’ve having serious doubts about not reciprocating oral sex. So now I’m a pervert.”

“Were you not already?” Skull asked cheekily.

She threw a couch pillow at him. “I’m having serious doubts about vehicular manslaughter. Nah, that’s easy. No doubts there.”

“You’ve done it?”

“Skull, we’re MAFIA. Of course I have.”

“That’s fair.”

“I’m having serious doubts about not vaccinating my children because I am stupid.”

“Wow, Lal, I didn’t know you were a parent.” Reborn laughed.

Lal hit him. 

“People actually don’t vaccinate their kids?” Viper sounded bewildered.

Skull sighed. “America, people. It’s full of idiots.”

“Jesus.”

“I’m having serious doubts about a three-way with my wife and Shaquille O’Neal. I’m not gay, and who the hell is that?”

“Some famous basketball player. American.” Viper responded.

“Ah. I’m having serious doubts about punching a congressman in the face. Skull, how much trouble would you be in if you actually did that?”

“A LOT. Jail time, minimum.”

“Damn, there goes my vacation plan.” Colonello swore.

“And finally, I’m having serious doubts about being a dick to children. Good. Being a dick to kids isn’t alright.”

“Reborn would beg to differ.” Verde pointed out. “With the way he teaches.”

“Hey!”

“The man’s not wrong.” Fon added. “Your methods are harsh.”

“Lal, just tell us who won.”

She held up the black card. “Whoever played not vaccinating children wins.”

Viper took the card.

Reborn drew the next black card. “TSA Guidelines now prohibit blank on airplanes.”

“If everyone gave Reborn what he likes we’re in for a bad time…” Skull muttered.

The others nodded fearfully.

Reborn stuck his tongue out at them.

“Stop emulating Leon.” Lal snarked.

Colonello snorted.

Reborn picked up the first card, pouting. “TSA Guidelines now prohibit elderly Japanese men on airplanes. Boring!”

“Imagine the mass outcry if it was true.”

“That would be a pain.” Fon replied.

“TSA Guidelines now prohibit wondering if it’s possible to get some of that salsa to go on airplanes.”

“That would be a liquid in an unsealed container. So plausible, at least.” Verde pointed out.

“True, true. TSA Guidelines now prohibit chunks of dead hitchhiker on airplanes.” Reborn started laughing as everyone else shared a look.

“Jesus, Reborn, you’re fucked in the head.” Skull said what they were all thinking.

“Am not.”

“You just laughed at chunks of dead hitchhiker.” Viper retorted.

Reborn pouted. “TSA Guidelines now prohibit murder on airplanes. Didn’t they already?”

“Nah, TSA is just for items.” Colonello said. “Murder is not an item.”

“Guns are though.”

“And guns are prohibited.” Fon pointed out.

“Well according to one of you TSA guidelines now prohibit an AR-15 Assault Rifle on airplanes, so yeah.” Reborn commented.

Snickers all around.

“And last but not least, TSA Guidelines now prohibit opposable thumbs on airplanes.”

“Is it like a plane for dogs or something?” Skull asked. “That would be awesome.”

“I don’t know, but I sure hope the pilots have thumbs at least. Otherwise it’s a recipe for disaster.” Verde added.

Reborn made his choice. “Chunks of dead hitchhiker wins.”

Lal took the card from him.

Skull drew the next card and grinned. “Blank is a slippery slope that leads to blank.”

Colonello sighed. “Only one combo here.”

“Gimme. Colonello says these hoes are a slippery slope that leads to my cheating son-of-a-bitch husband. Makes sense.”

“Oh, Skull, you’re married?”

“What? No! It’s just the cards!”

“Good. Because I hope we’d be invited to your wedding.” Reborn cocked a pistol threateningly.

Skull facepalmed. “At this point, no. No you wouldn’t be.”

Fon nudged him and passed his cards over.

“Thanks. Sexual tension is a slippery slope that leads to having sex for the first time.”

“Again, makes sense at least.”

“Yeah. I was hoping for it to be funnier though. Your cards, Lal?”

She handed them to him. 

“You say that Invading Poland is a slippery slope that leads to the bombing of Nagasaki. I guess…” Skull trailed off. “Though those were different people.”

“Still, one led to the other.” Verde adjusted his glasses.

“Reborn, this is gonna be dark, isn’t it? Hand ‘em over.”

Reborn did, snickering.

“Oh boy. Drowning the kids in the bathtub is a slippery slope that leads to a pyramid of severed heads. Jesus, what is wrong with you?”

“They were the only ones I had that fit. Plus they’re funny.”

“They’re REALLY not.” Viper sighed.

“Verde, make this interesting.” Skull took his cards. “Racism is a slippery slope that leads to Auschwitz. Damn, that fits really well.”

“Still kinda depressing though.” Lal said.

“True.” Fon stretched his arms. “I vote after this round we take a short break for food.”

“Good idea.”

“Alrighty, let’s see Viper’s cards. Passive-aggressive Post-it notes are a slippery slope that leads to...sitting on my face and telling me I’m garbage. That’s some serious escalation.”

“It fits, at least.” Viper remarked.

“I think Verde wins it with Auschwitz.”

Verde took the card and drew a new black one. “What ended my last relationship?”

He took the first card. “All the dudes I’ve fucked ended my last relationship. God damn it!”

Everyone else was howling. “I thought Skull was the gay one!”

“He fucked his sister, so he’d be bisexual.” Skull refuted.

“Oh yeah.”

“Can we stop mentioning that card!”

“No.”

“The next thing that ended my last relationship was Bees? It has a question mark there.”

“So, like, how do bees end a relationship?”

“Hell if I know, I’m not a biologist.” Colonello replied.

“The next thing that ended my relationship was a much younger woman. Oh yeah.” Verde smirked. “That’s more like it.”

“The only younger women you’d be in a relationship with would be related to you.” Fon said, completely deadpan.

“Fo-on!” Verde whined as everyone else howled with laughter again.

“I speak the truth.”

“The next thing that ended my relationship was-oh COME ON!”

“Well?”

“...my fat daughter…”

“Is she the much younger woman?” Reborn asked, grinning madly.

“Would you shut up about the incest already!”

“Nah, you’ll be Sister-Fucker for months after this.” Lal informed him.

“What does that make Skull?”

“American Gay.”

Skull pouted as Verde chuckled. “Anyway, the next one that ended my last relationship was my ugly face and bad personality. I hate this game.”

“Your face is just fine, Verde.” Skull said kindly.

“You think?”

“Your personality is a bit much for me, but otherwise I’d date you.”

“Thanks?”

“Don’t misconstrue that. I don’t want to date you.”

“Ah. My last reason my last relationship ended was an erection that lasts longer than four hours.”

“Viagra?”

“Nope! The younger woman wins.”

Fon took his prize.

Viiper took the last card of the round. “What is there a ton of in heaven?”

The others played their cards.

“There’s a ton of hope in heaven. Lame. There’s a ton of the Jews in heaven.”

“True according to the Old Testament.” Reborn commented.

“There’s a ton of the Holy Bible in heaven.”

“Again, true.”

“But boring. The next answer is mouth herpes. Eww.”

“Ew.” The others agreed.

“There’s a ton of hot people in heaven.. Sounds nice.”

“Sounds great.” Colonello agreed. “Like a real heaven.”

Lal snorted. “Like any of us are going to heaven.”

“True.”

“The last answer is dying. There’s a ton of dying in heaven. I think that’s how you GET to heaven, actually.”

“So points for accuracy?” Reborn asked.

“Haha no. Hot people wins.”

Lal grabbed the card, and the round ended.

“I’m ordering pizza. Who wants pizza?” Skull pulled out his phone.

“We all want pizza.”

“So two extra-large then.”

“Make it three.”

“Alrighty!” He dialed the number and started to order the pizza.

Score:

Colonello: 1

Fon: 2

Lal Mirch: 5

Reborn: 4

Skull: 3

Verde: 3

Viper: 3


	4. Chapter 4

After pizza, it was back to the game. Colonello drew a black card. “I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure what you’re suffering from is called blank.”

The others put down their cards.

“I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure what you’re suffering from is called chainsaws for hands. Easy diagnosis!”

“Yeah. If it revs, it’s a chainsaw.” Lal said sarcastically.

“I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure what you’re suffering from is called full frontal nudity. Nice.”

“Who’s suffering from full frontal nudity, though? A guy or a girl?”

“I don’t want to think about a naked guy, Reborn.”

“That's Skull’s thing.” Viper added.

“Hey! Don't knock it!”

“I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure what you’re suffering from is called seething with quiet resentment.”

“So anger issues then.”

Colonello shrugged. “I just read ‘em. I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure what you're suffering from is called puberty. Oof. Going through that again is not fun.”

The others made sounds of agreement.

“I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure what you’re suffering from is called spectacular abs. Let me guess, Fon’s the one suffering that?”

“Probably.” He said simply.

“And last we have; I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure what you’re suffering from is called women’s suffrage. Puberty wins.”

Lal fistpumped and grabbed the card.

Fon flipped over the next card. “What never fails to liven up the party?”

Soon he had a pile of cards in front of him. “Drinking out of the toilet and eating garbage never fails to liven up the party. Ew.”

“Is Fon a dog?” Viper asked jokingly.

“Covering myself with Parmesan cheese and chili flakes because I am pizza never fails to liven up the party. What?” Fon looked at the card, confused. “Why is that even a card?”

“No clue.”

“Weirdos, that’s why.” Lal muttered.

“Rap music never fails to liven up a party. That’s surprisingly normal.” Fon said in surprise. “I like it.”

Skull grinned. “You like rap?”

“GOD no.” Fon made a face. “Too much swearing.”

“I’d have to agree with you.” Verde commented.

“Anyway, seventy-two virgins never fails to liven up the party.”

“Sounds like a strip club to me.” Reborn leered.

Lal smacked Reborn.

“A crucifixion never fails to liven up the party. I get the feeling you’ve been going to some really weird parties.”

“What makes you say that?” Verde asked.

“Any party that invites Sister-Fucker to it would be weird by default.” Colonello snorted.

Verde threw a couch pillow at the soldier. “Stop calling me that.”

“No.”

“The last card is also pretty weird. What never fails to liven up the party? Chemical weapons.”

“That would kill the party.” Skull murmured to himself.

Fon put the black card on the table. “Rap music wins for being most plausible.”

Skull took the card.

Lal drew the next card. “I got 99 problems but blank ain’t one.”

“Ugh. No good cards.” Verde grunted.

“Mood.” Skull agreed.

“Pick the cards already.” Reborn demanded.

“I’ve got 99 problems but All-you-can-eat shrimp for $8.99 ain’t one. That sounds like the opposite of a problem, yeah.”

Viper pulled a face. “I’m allergic to shrimp.”

“Huh. The more you know…” Colonello said.

“I got 99 problems but an old guy who’s almost dead ain’t one.” Lal raised an eyebrow. “That sounds tame compared to some of the cards we’ve been getting. And also not like a problem.”

“Hey, it was the best I had.” Verde defended himself.

She shrugged. “That’s not my problem either.”

“You got 99 problems but Verde’s cards ain’t one?” Skull cracked.

Reborn snickered.

“Well, I got 99 problems but former president George W. Bush ain’t one. I’m Italian so no he isn’t my problem.” Lal pointed out.

“So points for honesty?” Viper asked hopefully.

“No.”

“Damn.”

“I got 99 probelms but doing the right thing ain’t one.”

“We’re MAFIA, we don’t do the right thing as a rule.” Reborn commented.

“Your student begs to differ.” Fon replied.

“He’s just soft.”

Lal cleared her throat. “I got 99 problems but Permanent Orgasm-Face Disorder ain’t one. And thank God it isn’t!”

There were snickers around the room at the card.

“I got 99 problems but barely making $25000 a year ain’t one.”

“How much do you make?”

“Twenty times that easy.” Colonello replied instantly. “Depends on the year.”

Lal eyed him. “What, you brought it up once!”

“Alright. I liked doing the right thing. Who had doing the right thing?”

Colonello grinned and raised his hand.

“Here.”

Reborn laughed at the next card. “What will always get you laid? For this one, you’re going to explain how it’ll get me laid.”

“Damn.”

“Colonello, you first. You say pretending to care will get me laid. Why?”

The soldier shrugged. “If they think you care, you’re statistically more likely to have sex.”

“I see. Fon, you say the wifi password will always get me laid. What?”

“It won’t, I just have no good cards.”

Reborn laughed. “Too bad. Lal says one titty hanging out will get me laid. I don’t think this one needs explanation.”

“Whose titty, yours?” Skull asked snarkily.

Reborn pulled out a gun. “Care to repeat that?”

“Nope.”

“That’s what I thought. You say that giving birth to the Antichrist will get me laid. How?”

Skull smirked. “Power’s sexy.”

“Makes sense.” Reborn snickered. “On to Verde, who says that fifty thousand volts straight to the nipples will always get me laid. I’m gonna need an explanation for this one.”

“Masochism.” The scientist said simply.

“Ah.” Reborn looked at Verde. “You a masochist?”

“NO! I’m not that fucked up!”

“Good. I don’t want to live with that knowledge. Viper says that looking in the mirror, applying lipstick, and whispering “Tonight, you will have sex with Tom Cruise” will always get me laid. I...um, I’m gonna need you to explain that, Viper.”

“Self-confidence is key to sexual success.” The illusionist explained.

“If you say so, but Skull gets the point.”

“Woo!” Skull hooted and grabbed the card. He drew the next black card. “But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you blank.”

“Some of these won’t make sense, will you make them make sense?” Verde questioned.

“Like, fixing the tenses? Sure.”

With that, Reborn replaced his card, snickering.

“Alrighty. But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you the placenta. Oh gross.” Skull gagged.

Fon looked a little green. “My apologies. It was the best I had.”

“Let’s just...move on from that.” Lal said, disgusted.

“But before I kull you, Mr. Bond, I must show you a homoerotic volleyball montage. Nice.”

“You, Fon, and Lal have a different definition of homoerotic than most of us here.” Reborn pointed out.

“Your point?”

“Just saying.”

“Ok then. But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you...what happens when you lock people in a room with hungry seagulls.”

Laughter exploded around the room. “Best card yet!” Lal wheezed.

“Well, it was technically SEEING what happens when you lock people in a room with hungry seagulls, but I wanted it to fit.” Skull explained.

“It worked.” Viper guffawed.

Once the laughter died down, Skull continued reading the cards. “But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you a fart so powerful that it wakes the giants from their thousand-year slumber.” He giggled.

The others laughed a little. “That’s one weird card.” Colonello commented.

“It really is.” Verde muttered.

Skull turned over the next card. “But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you the past.”

“Well, they do say your life flashes before your eyes…” Reborn said.

“I guess? I sure as hell know mine did when we got cursed.” Skull replied.

Vrede scowled. “Can we never bring that up again?”

“Sorry. But before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you a live studio audience. They will be witness to your demise!” Skull cackled like a movie villain.

“You’re really good at acting, Skull.”

“STUNTMAN, guys. I’m a stunt double in lots of movies.”

“Oh.” 

“I think we all agree the seagulls won. Who had the seagulls?”

Reborn snatched the card. “Mine.”

Verde turned over the next card. “Ooh, a double. That’s right, I killed blank. How, you ask? Blank.”

“This is gonna be good.” Reborn muttered.

“Let’s see what we’ve got. Colonello, you killed a bird that shits human turds. How, you ask? Darth Vader.”

“What-bird-why?” Viper gagged.

“Ew. Moving on, we’ve got, from Fon, I killed God. How, you ask, inappropriate yodeling. That’s pretty good.”

There was some laughter from the others. Fon mock bowed. “I aim to please.”

“You did. Next up, Lal says she killed RoboCop by making him fade away into nothingness. Lame-o.”

“I only had the one person noun and one other verb!”

“Still. Reborn says Kanye West was killed by police brutality.” Verde looked at him. “Reborn, you’re awful.”

“I’m well aware.”

“Here’s Skull’s. That's right, I killed flightless birds. How, you ask? Memes.”

“That’s a good one.” Colonello chuckled.

“I had the right cards.”

“Viper, this is lame. That’s right, I killed jobs. How, you ask? Racially-biased SAT questions. Fon wins.”

Viper took the next card as Fon claimed his prize. “Oh boy. I drink to forget blank.”

They shuffled the cards that they received. “Here we go. I drink to forget a brain tumor. These are all gonna be depressing, aren’t they?”

“Probably.” Skull said.

“I drink to forget exactly what you’d expect. Ha.” They all giggled a little.

“I drink to forget expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor. Wonderful. Now I’m gross.”

“Says the tentacle monster.”

“That was just Mist Flames.”

“Still.”

“I drink to forget...kissing grandma on the forehead and turning off her life support. And we’re back to depressing.”

Nobody was laughing. “This card is depressing.” Colonello complained.

“This one isn’t so bad. I drink to forget the screams...the terrible screams.” Viper said it ominously, sending Reborn into a fit of chuckles.

“And last we have; I drink to forget an endless stream of diarrhea. Eww.”

Disgusted looks around the room.

“As the only non-depressing non-gross one, the screams wins.”

Lal claimed her prize.

Score:

Colonello: 2

Fon: 3

Lal Mirch: 7

Reborn: 5

Skull: 5

Verde: 3

Viper: 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should I go to ten rounds? Or just 5?


	5. Chapter 5

Colonello drew the first card. “Oh God.”

“What is it?”

“During sex I like to think about blank.” He muttered.

Everyone else started laughing. “You’ve had sex?” Reborn sniped.

“Shut up and give me your card.”

Reborn passed it over.

“During sex I like to think about sex with Patrick Stewart. FUCK!”

“I thought I was the gay one.” Skull laughed.

“Stuff it. During sex I like to think about the Three-Fifths Compromise.”

Skull threw a pillow at Colonello. “SLAVEHOLDER!”

“IT’S THE CARDS! PISS OFF!”

Lal fell over laughing.

“During sex I like to think about oh for the love of GOD.”

Reborn grinned. “Which card?”

“Three dicks at the same time...fuck all of you!” Colonello buried his bright-red face in his hands as the others died laughing.

When the laughter died down, he sighed and picked up the next card. “During sex I like to think about running out of semen. NO.”

Viper snickered.

“That was your card, wasn’t it.” Fon said.

“Yep.”

“Assholes. During sex I like to think about dick pics? Oh, come ON!” Colonello fumed.

“Did we all try to make him gay this round or what?” Verde asked the air.

“Not Viper.”

“That was just as bad though.” Reborn pointed out.

“You all suck!”

“No, that’s Skull’s job.”

“Oh fuck off!” Skull gave Viper the bird.

“ANYWAY!” Colonello broke up the burgeoning argument. “During sex I like to think about seeing Grandma naked. Ew ew ew fuck no!”

“Verde’s Sister-Fucker and you’re Grandma-Fucker!” Reborn called.

“Running out of semen wins. Here Viper.”

The illusionist grabbed the card.

Fon turned over the next card. “Blank. That was so metal.”

Soon a pile of cardboard had formed in front of the martial artist. “The Rapture. That was so metal. What’s the Rapture?”

Skull frowned. “The end of the world according to fanatical Christians.”

“Ah. The Blood of Christ. That was so metal.”

“Are we talking actual blood or the sacrament wine?”

“It could go either way, really.” Reborn shrugged.

“BATMAN! That was so metal. I like this one.” Fon grinned.

“So Giotto Vongola then?”

Skull cocked his head like a bird. “What?”

“The Vongola Primo was a vigilante.” Viper explained.

“So he was basically Flame Batman? Awesome!”

“Indeed.” Fon agreed. “Authentic Mexican cuisine. That was so metal.”

“Bo-ring.” Lal groaned.

“This one is no better. Synergistic management solutions. That was so metal.”

Reborn sighed. “I have exactly zero good cards.”

“Understandable. The inevitable heat death of the universe. That was so metal. That is pretty metal, but I think BATMAN! won.”

Skull grabbed his new card.

“Alright,” Lal said as she turned over the new card, “What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?”

Skull groaned. “This won’t end well.” He put his card in the pile.

“One of you says grandma would find my neck, my back, my pussy, and my crack disturbing yet oddly charming. Why the fuck is this a card?”

“Who the hell knows what these people were smoking.” Colonello shrugged.

“Probably something strong. Anyway, grandma would find half-assed foreplay disturbing yet oddly charming. Seems fake.”

“And kinda sad.” Verde added.

“And that.” Reborn agreed.

“Someone says grandma would find the only gay person in a hundred miles disturbing, yet oddly charming. Is the grandma homophobic, because gay people are not disturbing.”

“Most grandma-aged people I know are at least slightly weirded out by gay people.” Skull explained. “Not necessarily disturbed, but a little concerned. It was the best I had.”

“You have a point.” Viper conceded.

“Grandma would find soft, kissy missionary sex disturbing yet oddly charming. I mean, where’s the lie? Watching someone else have sex is disturbing but if it’s soft and kissy it would be oddly charming.” Lal thought out loud.

“She’s right.” Reborn realized.

“ONE OF YOU says grandma would find my vagina disturbing yet oddly charming. Someone’s dying tonight!”

“Come on, where else was I supposed to play it?” Colonello complained. “You’re the only one of us with a vagina as far as I know!”

Viper glared at Reborn, who looked at them questioningly. “It costs more than all of you combined can afford to find out.”

“One of you is a sick fuck.” Lal interrupted.

“Yeah, Reborn.” Skull snarked. Fon laughed.

“Well, whoever says that grandma would find an Oedipus complex disturbing, yet oddly charming is only right on the disturbing part!”

“You’re right.” Fon said. “That is disturbing.”

“Soft kissy missionary sex wins.” Lal handed the card to Verde, who’d raised his hand.

Reborn flipped over the next one. “Why can’t I sleep at night?”

He took the first card. “I can’t sleep at night because of a time travel paradox. Sounds like a sci-fi blockbuster or something.”

“Time travel is some overdone bullshit.” Skull complained. “It’s a deus ex machina for everything now. Can’t kill the big bad? Time travel. Can’t wrap up the plot properly? Time travel. Makes me wish more authors had heard of the Hounds of Tindalos.”

“The what of what?” Fon asked, the others just as confused.

“Lovecraftian horrors that hunt down anyone who travels through time and kill them.” Skull explained. “I found out about them through a Wikipedia binge.”

“Those would be great in sci-fi, yeah.” Reborn agreed. “More bad endings for the protagonist!”

Lal edged away from him.

“I can’t sleep at night because of Adderall. Makes sense.”

Colonello raised a hand. “Does it really hype you up?”

“It makes you hyperfocus.” Lal told him.

“I can’t sleep at night because of daddy issues. I have no issues with my dad, though.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, he’s been dead for forty years. I can’t sleep at night because of radical Islamic terrorism.” Reborn started laughing.

Nobody else laughed.

“Killjoys. I can’t sleep at night because I’m making a pouty face. Lame as hell. I could sleep through that.”

“You could sleep through an earthquake.” Fon pointed out.

“Easily. I can't sleep because I’m doing crimes. This one wins! So true!”

Fon took the card.

Skull read out the next one. “The class field trip was completely ruined by blank.”

Soon, a pile of cards formed in front of the purple-haired stuntman. “Let’s go. The class field trip was completely ruined by horse meat. Ew. That’s nasty.”

Viper turned green, literally. Like, full-on color change. “That is gross.”

“Let’s hope they aren’t all gross. The class field trip was completely ruined by Harry Potter erotica.”

“That would ruin a lot of things.” Fon said.

“Yeah. The Class field trip was completely ruined by natural selection. Darwin at his finest.”

“How old are the kids we’re talking about? Because this could turn into  _ The Lord of The Flies _ real quick.” Verde pointed a finger at the card. “I hated that book.”

Reborn shrugs. “I enjoyed it.”

“You’re a special kind of crazy, though, dude.” Colonello retorts.

“The class field trip was completely ruined by queefing. I...um, ew.” Skull grimaced.

“That’s nasty.” Lal agreed.

“Moving on, the next class field trip was completely ruined by illegal immigrants.”

“You sound like Trump.” Fon said.

“No. The last class field trip was completely ruined by Justin Bieber. Hate him. Natural selection wins.”

Fon took the card.

Verde drew next. “Kids, I don’t need drugs to get high. I’m high on blank.”

He took the cards and read them silently, eyebrows raised. “None of these are any good. I’m just going to rush this. Kids, I don’t need drugs to get high. I’m high on boogers, used panties, free samples, Hillary Clinton’s emails, fragile masculinity, and crippling debt. Who had free samples?”

Lal grabbed her point.

Viper drew the next black card,the last of the round. “Oh hey, this one again. Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about blank.”

Reborn snickered at his cards.

Once everyone had played, they took the cards in hand. “Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about going an entire day without masturbating. Dammit, now I look like a pervert.”

“Still better than Sister-Fucker.” Skull commented.

Verde scowled. “Shut up, American Gay.”

“Boys, boys, you’re both pretty.” Lal joked.

Viper took the next card. “Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about forced sterilization.”

Reborn started laughing as the others looked at each other awkwardly.

“Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about licking things to claim them as your own. How unsanitary.”

Skull started to giggle. “Licking money, more like.”

“I would never. It tastes terrible.”

“You’ve actually tried it? Holy shit that was a joke.”

Colonello cracked up as Lal grinned and Verde chuckled.

“Rrgh, shut up!”

It took a few minutes.

“Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea but I’m having serious doubts about putting things where they go. Why? That’s perfectly normal.”

“It fits the card.” Verde explained. “Because the point is in irony.”

“Sure. Whatever. Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about huffing spray paint. That’s a pretty reasonable doubt.”

“Yeah. Huffing inhalants can kill you.”

“And lastly, we have: Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about slaughtering innocent civilians.”

Reborn shrugged. “Eh, collateral damage happens.”

“Not if you’re good at your job.” Lal sniped.

“I liked huffing spray paint. Whose was that?”

Colonello grabbed the card and the round ended.

Score:

Colonello: 3

Fon: 5

Lal Mirch: 8

Reborn: 5

Skull: 6

Verde: 4

Viper: 4


	6. Chapter 6

Colonello drew the newest black card. “It’s a pity kids these days are all getting involved with blank.”

Viper smirked and played a card. The others followed suit.

“All right, here we go. It’s a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with Cards Against Humanity.” He read, then quirked an eyebrow. “This is an inappropriate enough game with us, I’d hate to see how kids would take it.”

“I’d guess poorly.” Lal responded.

“You’re probably right. It’s a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with coat hanger abortions oh that’s just sick.” He frowned. “Was this you, Reborn?”

Reborn nodded, giggling.

“Dude…” Skull muttered. “That’s just wrong. On multiple levels.”

“I’m going to move on and forget that this happened. It’s a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with Stalin.”

“For Mother Russia!” Verde said in a Russian accent.

Viper snickered.

“It’s a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with prescription pain killers. That would be a shame.”

“Points for honesty?” Verde said hopefully.

“Maybe. It’s a shame that kids these days are all getting involved with getting naked and watching Nickelodeon. That’s a little unusual. Kids aren’t usually that weird, far as I know.”

“Let’s ask Reborn. He knows about kids.”

“No, Tsunayoshi never did anything like that. He’s a straight-laced kid.” Reborn replied.

“And lastly, it’s a shame that kids these days are all getting involved with having big dreams but no realistic way to achieve them. This one wins. It’s so true.”

Skull held out his hand for the card, which was passed to him.

Fon drew the new card. “What’s that sound? Again, you’re making the sounds for this one.”

Colonello went first. “SCREEEEEE!” His card was “A falcon with a cap on its head.”

“Lal, why aren’t you making any sound for yours?”

She pointed to her card. It read “Silence.”

“Oh.”

“Reborn, what do you have?”

He flipped it over. It read “A really cool hat.” He shrugged. “I don’t have any good cards or the ability to make a hat noise.” He tapped his hat. “This will have to do.”

“Lame.”

Skull was next. He did a rather good imitation of a man choking on his own blood. His card read “multiple stab wounds.”

The others gaped. It was a really good noise.

“I’m an ACTOR, I’ve had to fake that before.” He explained.

“Alright…” Colonello trailed off.

Fon turned to Verde. “Your turn.”

Verde made a trumpeting noise. His card was “being able to talk to elephants.”

Reborn mock clapped.

“Ver nice.” Fon said. “Viper, what do you have?”

Viper started to slap their wrist. Their card read “masturbation.” The flesh-on-flesh slaps did sound fairly similar.

Everyone else started laughing. “Viper wins.” An amused Fon handed over the card.

Lal took the next one. “Blank is a slippery slope that leads to blank.”

She read Colonello’s cards first. “According to Colonello, A white Ethnostate is a slippery slope that leads to Nazis.”

Reborn snickered.

“Fon says...you had no good cards, huh? Mike Pence is a slippery slope that leads to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II.”

“I had no good cards, you’re right.” Fon conceded.

“Up next, Reborn says that Black People are a slippery slope that leads to Barack Obama. Seems legit.”

“That was not violent enough for Reborn’s tastes, though.” Verde mused.

Reborn shrugged. “The cards fit.”

“Moving on. Skull, you say that the homosexual agenda is a slippery slope that leads to the gays. You would know, huh?” She smirked.

“Shut up.” Skull sulked.

Colonello snorted.

“Verde says that one trillion dollars is a slippery slope that leads to being rich. Now that makes some real sense.”

Everyone else was busy hiding grins.

“And finally, Viper, you say that peeing a little bit is a slippery slope that leads to sexual peeing. I think we have a winner, folks.”

Viper took the black card as the others snickered.

Reborn drew the new black card. “I drink to forget blank.”

When the others had put their cards down, he shuffled them and began. “I drink to forget incest. Verde?”

Lal hid a smirk.

“Not me!” Verde insisted.

“Who else would do that?”

Lal started laughing. “Me.” She gasped. “I framed him on purpose!”

Verde threw a plastic cup at Lal.

“Settle down there.” Fon pacified. “It’s just a game.”

“Speaking of, let’s continue. I drink to forget my inner demons.”

“Nah, Reborn has no inner demons. He’s too self-assured for that.” Colonello pointed out.

“You’re right, but that’s the card.” Reborn replied. “The next one is; I drink to forget my abusive boyfriend who really isn’t so bad once you get to know him. I’m not gay, people!”

“That’s what you get from that card…” Viper muttered.

“Next up, I drink to forget my relationship status. HEY!”

Everyone else started laughing hysterically.

“Shut up!”

It took some time for the others to calm down.

“I hate all of you.”

“Don’t lie, you love us.” Lal snarked.

“Debatable. I drink to forget emotions. What emotions?”

“The ones that make you care about your students.” Verde said.

Reborn sighed heavily. “I hate emotions.”

“Mood.” Skull said.

Reborn picked up the last card. “I drink to forget smegma. Eww. I would drink to forget that...I guess my inner demons wins.”

Fon took the card.

Skull drew the next one. “What will always get you laid?”

Colonello slammed down a card instantly. The others took a little longer.

“Alright. Completely unwarranted confidence will always get you laid.” Skull nodded. “Seems fairly accurate.”

“But if it’s unwarranted, that means it’s not gonna hold up.” Viper pointed out.

“It only has to last until you get laid.” Reborn responded.

“What will always get you laid? Cuddling.” 

“Lame and not really true.” Verde sighed. “But I had no better cards.”

“What will always get you laid?” Skull began, but then he started howling with laughter. “This is, what were the makers on when they wrote this?”

“Read the card, already.” 

“Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog.” Skull gasped out.

Everyone else started laughing. Hard. Reborn fell over from the force of his laughter.

Once the laughter died down, Skull continued. “Gonna be hard to top that one, but here goes. Casually suggesting a threesome will always get you laid.”

“Maybe.” Verde pointed out. “Maybe not.”

“Sideboob will always get you laid.”

Lal glared.

“And lastly, doin’ it in the butt will always get you laid. Kinda required. I think the hog wins.”

Colonello grabbed the card, grinning. “Knew that would work.”

Verde turned the next card over and raised an eyebrow. “This again. This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with blank.”

“Eyes I dare not meet in dreams/In death's dream kingdom/These do not appear:/There the eyes are/Sunlight on a broken column/There is a tree swinging/And voices are/In the wind's singing/More distant and more solemn/Than a fading star/Let me be no nearer/In death's dream kingdom/Let me also wear/Such deliberate disguises/Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves/In a field/Behaving as the wind behaves/No nearer-/Not that final meeting/In the twilight kingdom.” Skull recited. “Stanza II, The Hollow Men.”

Fon applauded. “Well put.”

Verde held out his hand for their cards.

“Oops, sorry.” Skull said sheepishly.

The scientist shuffled the cards in his hands and began. “This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with sweet, sweet vengeance.”

“Nice.” Lal commented. “End the world for vengeance? I approve.”

“This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with hot cheese.” Verde’s composure broke and he cackled with the others.

Every one of them was laughing for a minute straight. 

“Gonna be hard to top that, but here we go. This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with world peace.” Verde looked confused. “Reborn, this was you, wasn’t it?”

“Guilty.”

“Only you would find that seriously funny.” Viper muttered.

“This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with committing suicide. That’s sad.”

Fon looked remorseful. “I had no good cards.”

“Understandable.” Colonello replied.

Verde continued. “This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with a lifetime of sadness.”

Lal booed. “Boring!”

Skull shrugged. “I mean, it fits the original theme.”

“Really?”

“I always found it to be about the hopelessness of life.” Fon agreed.

“Somehow it surprises me that Skull is so well-read.” Reborn said.

“The American school system got me into reading. Also made sure I’d never do drugs because of how many people there did drugs.”

“Well, the last card is lame. This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with mansplaining. So yeah, who had hot cheese?”

Skull took the card.

Viper drew the last card of the round. “Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children blank. Make this funny, people!”

They received the cards from the others. “Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children a Super Soaker full of cat pee.”

Lal made a face. “Ew.”

“Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children a bitch slap. Nice one.”

“Can you sue Santa for assault?” Colonello wondered.

Skull shrugged. “You really want to find out?”

“Not really, no.”

“Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children a little boy who won’t shut the fuck up about dinosaurs. I think that’s a bad kid right there.” Viper pointed out.

“So, like, rewarding them instead?” Reborn asked. “Weird.”

“Next up, Santa now gives the bad children Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum instead of coal.”

“Holy shit.” Skull whispered.

“That’s certainly a deterrent.” Fon deadpanned.

Reborn snickered.

“Santa’s now giving out Kamikaze pilots instead of coal to the naughty children.” Viper continued.

Colonello raised an eyebrow. “Not a good present for the parents, though.”

Lal nodded. “Look, Ma! I got a dead guy in a plane!” She mimicked a small child.

Viper snorted and kept going. “The last thing that’s replacing coal this year is...now that’s just wrong on so many levels!”

“How bad is it?”

“An unwanted pregnancy.”

“That’s like rape, pedophilia, and child abuse in one package.” Verde said in horrified awe.

“I am not picking that. I liked Pac-Man, who had Pac-Man?”

Lal took her point, ending the round.

Score:

Colonello: 4

Fon: 6

Lal Mirch: 9

Reborn: 5

Skull: 8

Verde: 4

Viper: 6


	7. Chapter 7

Colonello drew the first card. “When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a fifty-foot stature to commemorate blank.”

Viper snickered at their cards.

“All set? Let’s start this off right. When I am a billionaire I shall erect a fifty-foot statue to commemorate wizard music. Boring.”

Verde shrugged. “No good cards.”

“When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a fifty-foot statue to commemorate some punk kid who stole my turkey sandwich. Why?”

“To humiliate the kid.” Skull explained.

“Not buying it. When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a fifty-foot statue to commemorate drinking alone. That’s kinda sad.” Colonello said.

Lal nodded. “And lame.”

Reborn frowned. “I thought it was funny.”

“You’re fucked up, though.” Skull said slyly, then ducked behind Fon in fear.

“I embrace that.”

“When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a fifty-foot statue to commemorate braiding three penises into a Twizzler. Ha!”

Everyone giggled a little.

Once the giggling stopped, Colonello continued. “When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a fifty-foot statue to commemorate the miracle of childbirth. Ewww.”

“Dude, gross.” Viper commented.

“Yeah, no thanks.” Verde added.

Lal said nothing.

“And lastly, when I am a billionaire I shall erect a fifty-foot statue to commemorate a sad handjob. That’s...pretty lame. The penis Twizzler one, I think that wins.”

Viper grabbed the card, smirking.

Fon read the next one and sighed. “What made my first kiss so awkward?”

“Now I wish I still had the sad handjob.” Lal laughed.

Fon took the cards and shuffled them. “My sex life made my first kiss so awkward.”

“Um, that makes no sense.”

“Sex with animals made my first kiss so awkward. No. Just no.”

Reborn started laughing at Fon’s expression, somewhere between disgusted and confused.

“Heteronormativity is what made my first kiss so awkward. That one’s true for a lot of people, actually.”

“Huh?”

“Gay people who think they have to be attracted to the opposite sex.” Skull clarified.

“Right. What made my first kiss so awkward? Vigorous jazz hands. That would be awkward.”

“Wow, yeah, that would be weird. Just...jazz hands out of nowhere in the middle of a kiss?” Verde said. “Awkward indeed.”

“A fetus made my first kiss so awkward. That is disgusting, Reborn.”

“How’d you know it was me?”

“Only you would play that.” Colonello pointed out.

“Spontaneous human combustion is what made my first kiss so awkward. This one wins.” Fon handed the card over to Lal.

She took the new black card as well. “When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a plague of blank.”

Colonello slammed down his card instantly.

The others followed suit.

“When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a plague of menstrual rage. Hate this card.”

Viper gulped. “Sorry.”

“You will be spared this time. When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a plague of poopy diapers.” Lal made a face.

The other Arcobaleno made various sounds of disgust.

“When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a plague of ghosts.”

“Seems legit.” Skill said.

“When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a plague of,” Lal paused dramatically, “Sperm whales!”

Fon chuckled. Colonello looked smug.

“When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a plague of explosions.”

Reborn opened his mouth. “And Moses said; Hiroshima 2.0 Bitches!”

“Aw, Reborn, that’s insensitive.” Verde complained. He was giggling, though, as were the others.

“And the last plague that Moses called down was men. Explosions wins.”

Fon took the card.

Reborn read out the next one. “How did I lose my virginity? Oh great.”

The others laughed at his pain.

“According to one of you, I lost my virginity because of penis envy. Would that make me gay?”

“Maybe.” Skull responded. “Not actually sure.”

“The next reason I lost my virginity is Oompa-Loompas. No thanks!”

Lal started laughing.

“I lost my virginity because of my Uber driver, Pavel. That makes me gay! DAMMIT!”

Everyone else lost it.

“Shut up!”

It took some time before they did.

“The reason I lost my virginity was through teaching a robot to love. A sexbot, you mean. Nice.”

“Yeah, you don’t have that kind of luck.” Verde snickered.

“I will hurt you, Verde. The next reason I lost my virginity was by...ewww. Touching a pug right on his penis.”

“That’s bestiality and homosexuality in one package!” Viper laughed.

“Oh fuck off. The last reason I lost my virginity was German dungeon porn.”

“Kinky.” Skull snickered.

“Skull, duck!” Fon pulled him down as Reborn shot at him.

“That was cathartic.” Reborn said. “I liked teaching a robot to love. Who’s card was that?”

Lal grabbed the card from him. “Me.”

Skull looked at the next black card. “Dude,  _ do not _ go in that bathroom. There’s blank in there. Let’s see if we can top the octopus.”

“Nothing can top the octopus, I think.” Reborn grinned. Then he wilted. “My cards all suck.”

“Live with it. Dude,  _ do not _ go in that bathroom. There’s a Mexican in there. Lame.” Skull said.

“I think we all played lame cards this round.” Viper admitted.

“Dude,  _ do not _ go in that bathroom. There’s an older woman who knows her way around the penis in there.”

“Not convincing.” Colonello laughed.

“Dude,  _ do not _ go in that bathroom. There’s puppies! In there. I wanna go there. Puppies!”

“Yeah, a bathroom full of puppies isn’t bad.” Lal said.

“Dude,  _ do not _ go in that bathroom. There’s a stray pube in there. Excuse me while I puke.” Skull gagged.

“Sorry.” Fon said calmly. “It was the best I could do.”

“You’re on thin ice. Dude,  _ do not _ go in that bathroom. There’s GoGurt in there. Lame, again.”

Verde shrugged. “No good cards.”

“And finally, dude,  _ do not _ go in that bathroom. There’s fake tits in there. Not the best round.”

Viper nodded. “I warned you.”

“I think puppies wins.”

Colonello snatched the card smugly.

Verde turned the next card over. “Blank. It’s a trap!”

Lal smirked as she put her card down.

“Getting drugs off the street and into my body. It’s a trap!”

“You do drugs, Verde?”

“Not even once.” He looked at the next card. “Fuck! Fucking my sister. It’s a trap!”

“You mean  _ she’s _ a trap?” Viper asked.

“Oh, fuck all of you!”

The others were laughing at his expense.

“ANYWAY! The opioid epidemic. It’s a trap!”

“What’s with all the substance abuse answers?” Skull wondered.

“This one’s also about substance abuse. Getting really high. It’s a trap!”

“Verde, you really need to cut down on your drug addictions.”

“I don’t do drugs!” Verde protested.

“Sure.” Reborn said.

“I don’t! Let’s move on. Men discussing their feelings in an emotionally healthy way. It’s a trap!”

Lal snorted.

“And lastly, a windmill full of corpses. It’s a trap! This one wins.”

Fon took the card proudly.

Viper read out the last card of the round. “Why am I sticky? Wonderful.”

Everyone else giggled.

“I’m sticky because of throwing grapes at a man until he loses touch with reality. Huh?”

Skull pouted. “Was the best I could do.”

“I’m sticky because of the heart of a child. I’m no child killer!”

“Ring battles.” Reborn coughed.

“Teenagers are not children.” They said loftily. “I’m also sticky because of dick fingers. Nope!”

Verde laughed with the rest at the expression on the lower half of Viper’s face.

“I’m sticky because of shapeshifters. How? No wait, I don’t want to know!” They stopped Reborn as he opened his mouth.

“Aww…”

“I’m sticky because of many bats. What, did they shit on me or something?”

Fon nodded. “Bats poop a lot.”

“Ew. I’m sticky because of gloryholes. Also nope.”

Reborn laughed out loud. “You actually said it!”

“Grrr...bats wins!”

Fon claimed the last card and the round ended.

Score:

Colonello: 5

Fon: 9

Lal Mirch: 11

Reborn: 5

Skull: 9

Verde: 4

Viper: 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live for your feedback


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been literally playing this game out with my box of Cards Against Humanity and it's made a mess.

Colonello drew the first black card. “Next from J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of blank.”

“Hoo boy.” Viper took a breath. “This is gonna be great.”

The soldier read out the first card. “Next from J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Object Permanence. The Chamber of what?”

Verde cleared his throat. “Object permanence meant that objects exist when they are not being observed. That’s all.”

“That’s what it means?” Lal sighed. “I’ve been stuck with that card for ages.”

“Next from J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Leprosy.”

Skull looked thoughtful. “So like, if Slytherin decided to go bio-weapon rather than giant snake as his guard.”

“Basically.” Viper nodded.

“Cool.”

“Next from J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Nipple Blades. I’m sure that’s someone’s fetish, but it’s not for me.”

“Are those a real thing?” Fon asked, concerned.

“I sure hope not.” Verde muttered.

“Next from J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Child Abuse. None of these have been that funny.”

Reborn was the only one laughing.

“Yeah, we’ve established Reborn’s a sociopath, move on.” Viper waved a hand.

“Next from J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Anal Beads.” Colonello made a face. “Again, not too funny. Funny-ish, at least.”

“Better than Child Abuse, though.”

“Oh yeah. Next from J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Chamber of the Rhythms of Africa.”

Dead silence, then snickering broke out. It was just so random, it was funny.

“This one wins. Who had the rhythms of Africa?”

Fon raised his hand and claimed his prize, then drew the next black one.

“I drink to forget blank.”

Soon, a pile of cards formed in front of him.

“I drink to forget getting fingered. Um.”

“Fon’s a dude, though.” Reborn pointed out. “What, did he get a sex change?”

“No. No I did not. I drink to forget my ex-wife. Never been married.”

“You just drank so much you forgot it.” Skull joked.

Everyone else laughed.

“I drink to forget this month’s mass shooting. Depressing. And likely true for some people.”

Reborn chuckled. “Nice.”

“I drink to forget eating a hard boiled egg out of my husband’s asshole.”

Gags around the room.

“I know I’ve said this before, but why is that a card?” Lal wondered.

“None of us have the answer to that, Lal.” Viper sighed.

“I drink to forget still being a virgin. That’s sad.” Fon said. “Virginity is not a bad thing.”

“It is if you’re societally expected to have kids.” Verde refuted.

“Fair point. The last reason I drink is to forget how badly my daughter fucked up her last dance recital. This one wins.”

Lal took the card. She drew the next one. “What will always get you laid?”

She took the first white card from the pile. “The clitoris will always get you laid. These are all gonna be sexual, huh. Wonderful.”

“Hey, it’s the card.” Reborn replied, grinning.

“Ugh. Pulling out will always get you laid. Not necessarily. My good bra will always get you laid.”

“Lingerie is important.” Viper nodded.

“Breaking out into song and dance will always get you laid. Weird. I guess you could woo someone with dance?”

“You could certainly give it a shot.” Fon commented.

“Man meat will always get you laid. Again, not necessarily.”

“It sure helps.” Reborn smirked.

“And lastly, getting cummed on will always get you laid. Uh, nope! Song and dance wins.”

Skull grabbed his prize.

Reborn took the new card and read it out. “What makes life worth living?”

“A lot of things.” Viper replied. “Mostly money, though.”

“Well, according to one of you, girls make life worth living. I mean, sex is great, yeah.”

“I’m not sure that’s what that card meant.” Skull said slowly.

“Too bad. Me time makes life worth living. Second verse, same as the first.”

“It does.” Verde agreed.

“What? This is weird. A micropig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties makes life worth living.”

“That sounds adorable.” Lal commented.

“Yeah. I hate adorable.” Reborn replied. “Next, Count Chocula makes life worth living. If that’s your only reason to live, that’s kinda sad. I love it.” He giggled.

“We get it, you’re sick in the head.” Verde sighed.

Reborn pulled himself together. “What makes life worth living? How amazing it is to be on mushrooms! Nice one.”

“You’ve done shrooms?”

“Once or twice. Not a regular thing. It’s epic, though.”

“Winners don’t do drugs, Reborn.” Skull pointed out.

“I partake OCCASIONALLY.” He responded. “Last card is that a whole thing of butter makes life worth living. Um. I guess butter’s okay?”

“Kind of lame.” Colonello agreed.

“Girls wins. Who had girls?”

Colonello took the black card from Reborn.

Skull drew the next one. “This one’s a twofer. Blank is a slippery slope that leads to blank.”

The others thought and chose their cards.

“Colonello says that child beauty pageants are a slippery slope that leads to the illusion of choice in a late-stage capitalist society. You didn’t have anything that fit, huh?”

The soldier grinned and shrugged. “Nah, not a thing.”

“That was lame, let’s get better ones. Fon says that solving problems with violence is a slippery slope that leads to hurting those closest to me. That’s true, but not very funny.”

“At least it fits.” Fon replied serenely.

“True. Lal, you say that announcing that I am about to cum is a slippery slope that leads to penis breath.You’ve been holding on to this joke for a while, haven't you. I hate to confess this, but I’m still a virgin, so that’s never happened to me.”

“Damn, gonna just cut the legs out from under the joke, aren't you?” Lal sighed. “You’re still young, so it’s not surprising.”

“I was twenty-two when we were cursed.” He confirmed. “And my career was more important to me than dating.”

“Seems legit.” Viper had their phone out. “I have no records of you being involved in any scandals.”

“Exactly. Anyway, Reborn says that finger painting is a slippery slope that leads to jerking off into a pool of children's tears. Damn, you are fucked, what the hell?”

Reborn laughed at his “joke” while the others looked horrified.

“In an effort to forget that, Verde says that waking up half-naked in a Denny’s parking lot is a slippery slope that leads to owning and operating a Chili’s franchise. I’m not sure how that would work, but that’s funnier than Reborn’s.”

Verde grinned as the others chuckled.

“And finally, Viper says that the Force is a slippery slope that leads to dark and mysterious forces beyond our control. Makes sense. I still think Verde won, though.”

Verde took his new card and drew the next one. “One out of five stars. Do NOT go here! Found blank in my Kung Pao chicken!”

Viper giggled at their hand.

“One out of five stars. Do NOT go here! Found hobos in my Kung Pao chicken!”

“I didn’t know you were a cannibal, Verde.” Lal said slyly.

“I’m not! Cannibalism leads to brain wasting diseases and blood-borne diseases and STDs! I’m not crazy enough to do that!”

“Fair point.”

“One out of five stars. Do NOT go here! Found fiery poops in my Kung Pao chicken! EW!” Verde pulled a face.

“Yeah. Ew.” Skull said, disgusted.

“One out of five stars. Do NOT go here! Found the Russians in my Kung Pao chicken. And we’re back to cannibalism.”

“It’s how the cards are aligned.” Fon sighed.

“And it’s not that bad. It could be worse.” Reborn pointed out.

“I guess. One out of five stars. Do NOT go here! Found...this is what you meant by worse, huh. Found more elephant cock than I bargained for in my Kung Pao chicken!”

“That’s not my card.” Reborn refuted as everyone else giggled. “You haven’t read mine yet. It’s pretty funny, though.”

Verde groaned. By now, everyone knew Reborn’s idea of funny was skewed. “Not sure I want to keep reading now.”

“Suck it up, Verde!” Colonello hollered.

“Fucking fine. One out of five stars. Do NOT go here! Found-this is Reborn’s-little boy penises in my Kung Pao chicken!”

“That’s pedophilia, cannibalism, and homosexuality in one card.” Skull said in awe and horror.

Reborn was on the floor howling with laughter.

“Shut up, Reborn.”

He managed to compose himself.

“One out of five stars. Do NOT go here! Found a salty surprise in my Kung Pao chicken! Ew.”

The others made similarly disgusted faces.

“You know what, the elephant cock wins. It was not cannibalism or shit.” Verde decided.

Lal took her prize from him.

Viper drew the last card of the round. “I get by with a little help from blank. Reborn, don’t even think about making this sexual.”

“Damn.” He returned his card to his hand.

After the others played their cards, Viper shuffled them. “I get by with a little help from accepting the way things are.”

“That would help you out.” Colonello said in realization.

“I’m a Mist, I don’t have to.” Viper replied, then read the next card. “I get by with a little help from the violation of our most basic human rights. So, like, normalcy for the Mafia.”

“Pretty much.” Reborn agreed.

“I get by with a little help from catapults. Lame.”

“Hey, I thought it was funny.” Colonello pouted.

“It wasn’t. I get by with a little help from therapy. I don’t need therapy.”

“Viper, my friend, we ALL need therapy.” Skull retorted.

“We really do. This game alone is proof of it.” Lal agreed.

Fon nodded.

“I suppose you’re right. I get by with a little help from huge biceps.”

Colonello flexed. “Here you go.”

Verde chuckled.

“I get by with a little help from some of the best rappers in the game. I like this card. It wins.”

Skull claimed his point and the round ended at that.

Score:

Colonello: 6

Fon: 10

Lal Mirch: 13

Reborn: 5

Skull: 11

Verde: 5

Viper: 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate all feedback.


	9. Chapter 9

Colonello took a drink of water and drew the first card of the penultimate round. “Blank. High five, bro.”

Skull raised his hand and Fon high-fived him without looking.

“Alright, here we go.” The soldier began. “Swooping. High five, bro.”

Reborn made an airplane noise and then an explosion noise.

“Fucking the weatherman on live television. High five, bro.” Colonello paused. “Nice level of daring there.”

“That would be quite daring, yes.” Fon said.

“Diversity. High five, bro.”

“We really are a rather diverse group, aren’t we? Fon’s Chinese, Skull’s American, Lal, Colonello, and I are Italian, Verde’s British, and God only knows where Viper’s from.” Reborn pointed out.

“Not telling.” The Mist replied.

“Throwing a virgin into a volcano. High five, bro.” 

The others paused, then, as one, they turned and looked at Skull.

“Yuni and Tsunayoshi would be upset if you did that.” He defended himself.

“Damn.” Lal cracked, and the looks on all their faces changed from eagerness to minor frustration.

“The Hustle. High five, bro.”

“Lame.” Verde said. “And not worth a high-five.”

“Rap Music. High five, bro.”

“Again, boring.” Viper muttered.

“Alright, the one where we almost sacrificed Skull wins. Who had the virgin in a volcano?”

Lal took her point.

Fon drew the next card and read it out loud. “What are my parents hiding from me?”

The others played their cards.

“What are my parents hiding from me? Balls.”

“Whose?” Reborn asked innocently. “Yours?”

Fon just stared at him for a minute. “No.” He said, then went back to the cards. “What are my parents hiding from me? A mopey zoo lion.”

“Tsunayoshi’s hiding a lion from his mom, actually. The Flame one.” Skull pointed out.

“Good point. Reborn, you ever planning on letting the mom find out?” Colonello asked the hitman.

“When Tsunayoshi wishes me to.” Reborn replied.

Fon cleared his throat. “My parents are hiding a micropenis from me.”

Verde snorted. “That’s easy to hide.”

“What are my parents hiding from me? Tearing that ass up like wrapping paper on Christmas morning. I have no words.”

“Yeah, that’s weird.” Viper agreed. “Really weird.”

“What are my parents hiding from me? Being fat and stupid.”

“So the parents hid the fact that the kid was overweight from the kid, and the fact that the kid is below average intelligence? Sounds like Dudley Dursley to me.” Lal commented.

“You read Harry Potter?” The scientist asked.

“Everyone’s read Harry Potter.” She replied to Verde.

“My parents are hiding the true meaning of Christmas from me.” Fon finished then looked at his options. “I have to say, fat and stupid wins.”

“That was me.” Skull took the card proudly.

Lal drew the next one. “What ended my last relationship?”

The others snickered.

“What ended my last relationship? Saying “I love you.””

“Oof.” Verde muttered.

Lal looked at the next one and sighed. “Drinking out of the toilet and eating garbage ended my last relationship.”

Everyone collapsed with laughter.

She endured their laughing silently, then continued. “What ended my last relationship? Listening to her problems without trying to solve them. NOT GAY!”

The laughter returned.

After the others finally shut up, she resumed reading the cards. “Ew. Pooping back and forth. Forever. That ended my last relationship. What does that even mean?”

Reborn opened his mouth. “Well…”

“I changed my mind, I don’t want to know.” Lal cut him off.

Reborn closed his mouth.

“What ended my last relationship? Poorly-timed Holocaust jokes.”

“Dude…” Skull frowned. “That’s messed up.”

“An octopus giving seven handjobs and smoking a cigarette ended my last relationship.” Lal concluded her reading. “I think I liked Saying “I love you.””

She handed the point to Viper.

Reborn took the next card and read it aloud. “While the United States raced the Soviet Union to the moon, the Mexican Government funneled millions of Pesos into research on blank.”

“Oh boy, here comes the gore train.” Verde groaned.

“My sense of humor is normal, I don’t get the problem. While the United States raced the Soviet Union to the moon, the Mexican government funneled millions of pesos into research on Gandhi.” Reborn began, in an epic voice.

The voice got giggles from the others.

“The Mexican government funneled millions of pesos into research on smallpox blankets!” Reborn could barely keep up the voice, so hard was he laughing. The others shared awkward looks.

“Whew. Good one. The Mexican government funneled millions of pesos into research on the Great Depression.”

“I suppose making sure it never happens again is important.” Fon conceded.

“The Mexican government funneled millions of Pesos into research on the wonders of the Orient. Why though?”

“Who knows?” Colonello shrugged helplessly.

“The Mexican government funneled millions of Pesos into research on Vladimir Putin.”

“Know thine enemy.” Viper quoted.

“And last, the Mexican government spent millions of pesos on researching binging and purging. Um.”

“Yeah. Um.” Lal said.

“Smallpox blankets wins.”

Skull took the card. He then drew the next one. “For my next trick, I will pull blank out of blank.”

The others put their cards down.

“For my next trick, I will pull a tiny horse out of 10,000 Syrian refugees. Colonello, what?”

“Nothing I have fits.” He replied.

“I can tell. For my next trick, Fon says I will pull heartwarming orphans out of fellowship in Christ. Second verse, same as the first. By that I mean what?”

“It is sort of fitting at least.” Fon pointed out.

In the background Reborn started singing “Henry the Eighth” until Viper threw a plastic cup at him.

“Lal says that for my next trick I will pull the female orgasm out of NBA superstar LeBron James. Ha.”

The others giggled a little.

“Reborn says I’m gonna pull women in yogurt commercials out of women of color. Sounds like a chest-burster sort of deal, that.”

Reborn nodded. “That was the point.”

“Verde says that for my next trick I’m gonna pull Grandma out of hospice care. Depressing, and likely cruel.”

“It fits!” Verde protested.

“But still. Viper, you say that for my next trick I’m going to pull estrogen out of the Boy Scouts of America. That’s pretty funny. I think that wins.”

Viper claimed their newest prize as the others laughed.

Verde turned over the next one. “Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to blank.”

Reborn laughed aloud at his card as he added it.

“Uh oh.” Fon muttered.

“Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to becoming a blueberry. Oh, like in that Willy Wonka movie!”

“I shouldn’t be so surprised that you watched that.” Skull said.

Verde stuck his tongue out at Skull. “When the white man introduced them to 8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin.”

Reborn giggled louder than the others.

“When white man introduced them to the glass ceiling. Yeah, that sucks.”

Fon raised his hand.

“An unofficially acknowledged barrier to advancement in a profession, especially affecting women and members of minorities.” Skull quoted the Google result.

Fon lowered his hand.

“Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to not wearing pants. Who did that, the Scots?”

“The Scots.” Lal agreed.

“When the white man introduced them to the Trail of Tears. Jesus, Reborn!”

“Mine was the heroin, actually.” Reborn informed Verde.

Fon looked sheepish and raised his hand again. “I did it.”

“Fon, what the fuck?”

“I figured it was true enough.”

“Anyway, when the White Man introduced them to shutting up so I can watch the game. Reborn’s heroin wins.”

The hitman snatched the card, grinning.

Viper drew the last card. “This one again? This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with blank.”

Skull spoke. “This is the dead land/This is cactus land/Here the stone images/Are raised, here they receive/The supplication of a dead man's hand/Under the twinkle of a fading star./Is it like this/In death's other kingdom/Waking alone/At the hour when we are/Trembling with tenderness/Lips that would kiss/Form prayers to broken stone.”

Fon nodded. “Stanza three.”

“The eyes are not here/There are no eyes here/In this valley of dying stars/In this hollow valley/This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms/In this last of meeting places/We grope together/And avoid speech/Gathered on this beach of the tumid river/Sightless, unless/The eyes reappear/As the perpetual star/Multifoliate rose/Of death's twilight kingdom/The hope only/Of empty men.” Skull continued. “Stanza four. Stanza five is particularly interesting, but I’ll save that.”

Lal was gaping. “How do you REMEMBER all that?”

“I memorized it for an assignment in school, I already told you this.”

“Somehow, that seems like a bad assignment.”

“I hated that teacher.” He confirmed.

Viper picked up the cards and shuffled them, then began to read. “This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with pooping in a laptop then closing it. Gross.”

Verde shrugged. “It’s kinda funny.”

“I guess. This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with some god damn peace and quiet. Similar to the original, plus funny. Nice.”

The others were giggling.

“This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with the screams...the terrible screams. Fits the theme of the poem, at least.”

Fon nodded.

“This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with inserting a Mason jar into my anus and I cannot believe I just said that. Holy shit.”

Colonello gaped. “How is that a card, what the fuck.”

Reborn was unfazed, but the others agreed with Colonello.

“This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with however much weed twenty dollars can buy.”

Everyone started to laugh.

Once the laughing slowed, Viper finished the reading. “This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with the Big Bang. Ha ha ha. This one wins.”

Skull took the card.

“Skull, how does that poem end?” Lal was genuinely curious.

“ _ Here we go round the prickly pear/Prickly pear prickly pear/Here we go round the prickly pear/At five o'clock in the morning./ _ Between the idea/And the reality/Between the motion/And the act/Falls the Shadow/ _ For Thine is the Kingdom/ _ Between the conception/And the creation/Between the emotion/And the response/Falls the Shadow/ _ Life is very long/ _ Between the desire/And the spasm/Between the potency/And the existence/Between the essence/And the descent/Falls the Shadow/ _ For Thine is the Kingdom/ _ For Thine is/Life is/For Thine is the/ _ This is the way the world ends/This is the way the world ends/This is the way the world ends/Not with a bang but a whimper. _ ” Skull said solemnly.

Fon nodded along. “I enjoy the poem for what it’s worth, but I do recognize that it seems incomprehensible to a lot of people.”

On that note, the round ended.

Score:

Colonello: 6

Fon: 10

Lal Mirch: 14

Reborn: 6

Skull: 14

Verde: 5

Viper: 9


	10. round ten

“Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, to the final round of Cards Against Humanity!” Lal announced, faking holding a microphone.

Viper blinked. “Huh, tenth round already?”

Lal went on. “Right now, Skull and I are tied for first, but Fon and Viper still have a slim chance to catch up. Skull, how do you feel about this?” She held the “microphone” out to the Cloud.

“Um, I feel like I’m both really funny and a terrible person.”

Colonello snorted. “We’re all terrible people. This game just proved it.”

“This game has revealed a lot to us, from Verde’s incest fetish to Skull’s virginity, and I think we’re all sad to see it come to a close.” Lal continued.

“Shut the fuck up about the incest thing! I’m not incestuous!” Verde protested.

“Shut up, Sister-Fucker.” Reborn retorted.

Verde pouted.

“And without further ado, let’s get this started! Colonello.”

The Rain drew the first card of the last round. “Hell yeah. What’s that sound? Again, you’ll be making the sounds yourself. And we’re going in reverse order this time.”

“Why?”

“Because the Card Czar said so. Viper, you’re up.”

Viper made a click, then an explosion sound. Their card read “Land Mines.”

“Not bad. Verde, you’re next.”

Verde started to sing, very much an imitation of his card, “The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir.” He was very good at it too. He sounded like he could be in that choir himself.

“Ok, wow.” Lal opined.

“Indeed.” Fon agreed.

Verde stopped singing.

“Gonna be hard to top that.” Colonello said. “Skull, you’re next.”

Skull looked up and deadpanned “Crunch.” His card read “Getting crushed by a vending machine.”

Snickers could be heard from the others.

“Alright. Reborn, you’re up.”

Reborn started gagging and choking. His card was “Old-people smell.”

“Reborn, you’re horrible.” Skull said.

“Old news.” Viper replied.

“Anyway, Lal, you go.”

“Doot doot doot doo doo doo!” She made an imitation saxophone noise. Her card was “a saxophone solo.”

“Nice, nice. Fon, it’s your turn.”

Fon made a series of sounds that sounded like someone in pain. His card read “Getting into a pretty bad car accident.”

“Verde wins this one.” Colonello decided.

Verde took the card.

Fon drew the next card. “This card again. Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about blank.”

Everyone played their cards.

“Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying.” Fon began.

“Sounds boring.” Colonello said.

“It really does.” Reborn agreed.

“Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about telling a shitty story that goes nowhere.”

“Good.” Lal said firmly. “That’s a bad idea.”

“Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about necrophilia.”

“Fon’s a necrophiliac?” Viper asked.

“No, see, he had the idea but doesn’t want to carry it out, so he just had a bad idea.” Skull refuted.

Fon breathed a sigh of relief. “Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about selling crack to children.”

“Jesus.” Verde gaped. “We are horrible people.”

Reborn lifted his nose. “I embrace it.” He announced.

“Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about Bill Nye the Science Guy.”

“That makes no sense.” Lal said. “I’m sorry, that was my card. Nothing fit.”

“Uh, hey guys, I know this was my idea, but I’m having serious doubts about a crucifixion.”

“Crucify the 1%!” Skull chanted.

Viper slapped him up the head. “No.”

“Selling Crack to children wins.”

Skull took the card.

Lal drew the next card. “Well if you’ll excuse me, gentlemen, I have a date with blank. This is gonna go so well...not.”

The others shared a look.

“Well if you’ll excuse me, gentlemen, I have a date with pixelated bukkake. I hate all of you.”

Everyone else was snickering.

“Well if you’ll excuse me, gentlemen, I have a date with 72 virgins. Not horrible, at least.”

The snickering stopped.

“Well if you’ll excuse me, gentlemen, I have a date with...pedophiles. All of you are dying tonight!”

Laughter around the room.

“Well if you’ll excuse me, gentlemen, I have a date with...what the fuck? I have a date with vomiting seafood and bleeding anally.”

No laughter, just disgusted looks.

“What the fuck?” Verde agreed.

“Well if you’ll excuse me, gentlemen, I have a date with a good, strong gorilla. Not into bestiality!”

The laughter came back full force.

“Grrr…” Lal waited until the laughter stopped, then she continued. “Well if you’ll excuse me, gentlemen, I have a date with a bowl of mayonnaise and human teeth. Disgusting.”

“Yeah, ew.” Reborn agreed.

“72 virgins wins.”

Fon took the point as Reborn drew the next card.

“Blank: Kid-tested, mother-approved.”

Verde slammed a card down instantly.

“Here we go. Dead babies: Kid-tested, mother-approved.” Reborn started to howl with laughter.

“That’s, like, double bad just because of the card.” Lal sighed.

“So it’s twice as funny to Reborn.” Viper posited.

“Apparently.” Fon agreed.

Once Reborn got himself under control, he picked up the next card. “Meth: kid-tested, mother-approved.” He chuckled. “Good one.”

Verde looked horrified. “Never do drugs.”

“AIDS: kid-tested, mother approved. Nice.” He laughed a little bit at that one.

Everyone else exchanged a look.

“Mutually assured destruction: kid-tested, mother-approved. Not as funny as the others.”

“Good.” Colonello muttered.

“Holy shit, you guys really hate kids. Consensual sex: kid-tested, mother-approved.”

Verde choked on his sip of water. Viper pounded his back until he stopped choking.

“And finally, natural male enhancement: kid-tested, mother-approved.”

Lal crossed herself in horror.

“Dead babies wins.” Reborn decided.

Verde took the point.

Skull drew the next card apprehensively. “Bravo’s new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with blank. PLEASE make this not depressing.”

“No promises.” Lal snarked.

“Bravo’s new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with an M. Night Shyamalan plot twist. Who?”

“American filmmaker known for his supernatural movies and plot twists.” Colonello explained. “You’re American, you should know this.”

“I’m not a movie buff.” Skull explained. “Anyway, Bravo’s new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with Italians. So Reborn, Lal, and Colonello?”

“We’d whip them into shape.” The soldier grinned as Lal nodded along. “They’d become better people for it.”

“I believe that would make an excellent reality show.” Fon said.

“Yeah. Bravo’s new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with Fear itself.”

“Does that make the house haunted?” Viper asked.

Reborn shrugged. “Who knows.”

“Bravo’s new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with PTSD. That would make a horrible show.”

“I think it would be funny.” Reborn disagreed.

“You’re a special brand of fucked-up, though.” Viper pointed out.

Reborn pouted.

“Bravo’s new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with the KKK.”

“Um, are the celebrities white supremacists?”

“If they aren’t, this would go poorly.” Verde responded to Colonello.

“Last card. Bravo’s new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with a pangender octopus who roams the cosmos in search of love. The Italians won.”

Fon took the point.

Verde drew the penultimate card. “What’s a girl’s best friend?”

Lal sighed. “Another sexist card, I see.”

“Just play already.”

She did, grumbling.

“What’s a girl’s best friend? Judging everyone!” Verde began, grinning.

Lal snarled.

“What’s a girl’s best friend? Women’s suffrage!”

“Holy shit that’s not sexist.” Viper said involuntarily.

“Good!” Lal glowered.

“What’s a girl’s best friend? Extremely tight pants. Nice.”

“Hey Verde, is the girl your sister?” Reborn asked “innocently.”

Verde lunged across the table at Reborn.

It took Lal, Fon and Colonello to pull the two apart. Reborn was now nursing a black eye and split lip.

“Just keep the game going, Verde.” Skull called.

“Fine. What’s a girl’s best friend? A sea of troubles! Odd.”

Skull raised an eyebrow. “Odd indeed.”

“What’s a girl’s best friend? The Patriarchy!” Verde managed to say through a fit of irony-induced giggles.

The laughter was contagious to everyone but Lal, who sat there fuming.

“Sorry for laughing, Lal.” Fon apologized.

“It’s the game, don’t apologize.”

“And finally: What’s a girl’s best friend? Friction!”

“As in what?”

Lal pulled out a gun.

“You know what, women’s suffrage wins.” Verde decided, voice shaking.

Fon claimed his newest point.

Viper looked at the others. “Skull is currently winning, but Lal still has a chance to tie with him. That doesn’t mean everyone else can just give up, though. Everyone, make this as funny as possible. Here’s the card: blank is a slippery slope that leads to blank.”

Everyone took their time considering the cards they were going to play.

“Alright. Colonello says that The Pope is a slippery slope that leads to Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals. Makes sense.” Viper nodded.

“It does, with the current Pope.” Reborn agreed.

“Fon says that being a woman is a slippery slope that leads to strong female characters. Again, makes sense.”

“And it’s not sexist.” Lal added.

“Lal, you say that yeast is a slippery slope that leads to a bleached asshole. Huh?”

“No good cards.” She sighed.

“I mean, it’s kinda funny though.” Skull offered.

“Reborn, you say that my balls on your face is a slippery slope that leads to erectile dysfunction. NOPE!”

Verde looked at Reborn in disgust.

“Skull says that being marginalized is a slippery slope that leads to gay conversion therapy. That’s rough, buddy.”

Skull shrugged. “That’s all I had that fit together.”

Yuni walked in as Viper started to read out the last two cards.

“And Verde says that my collection of Japanese sex toys is a slippery slope that leads to Ruth Bader Ginsburg brutally gaveling your penis. What the fuck?”

“I just wanted to use the Ruth Bader Ginsburg card at some point.” Verde explained. “The how was irrelevant.”

“You know what, Colonello gets the point.”

A choked noise alerted them to Yuni’s presence.

“Well, shit.” Skull summed up the situation nicely.

Yuni gaped at him. Lal swatted Skull up the head. “Language!”

Verde grimaced. “Too late. She heard the last set of cards. And Viper’s response.”

“Oh Hell.” Lal groaned.

Yuni looked at the table. “A party game for horrible people...I’ve heard of this game. Didn’t know it got so...horrible, though.”

“Yeah, there’s a reason we didn’t invite you to play.” Colonello said sheepishly. “It’s really adult.”

“Who’s winning?”

“Skull just won, actually.” Lal said.

Skull rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m not that funny, the cards just favored me.”

“Well congratulations.” Yuni chirped. “Now can someone help me with the computer? It’s throwing a fit again.”

Verde got up and went to help her out, while the others cleaned up and then went about their daily routines.

Score:

Colonello: 7

Fon: 13

Lal Mirch: 14

Reborn: 6

Skull: 15

Verde: 7

Viper: 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been a ride and a half. I'd appreciate any comments and criticisms that you have!

**Author's Note:**

> Should I continue this?


End file.
